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Anyone that knows me knows that whenever I’m at a rave/show, I like to stay sober- especially when
it’s a DJ or an artist I truly respect- just so that I can actually remember his whole set and appreciate it for what it truly is. I don’t know how many times people have come up to me and complimented me on my smile during a gig. I usually stay at the back or on the side- isolated from everyone drunk or high and I usually end up smiling directly at the stage/artist whenever a DJ makes a sound i’m fond of or if he looks like he’s into it. Little shit like that just makes me happy.

We had ‘trainwreck’ painted all over us, my love.
At the sight of us, people would instantly pity us with their disastrous smiles.
They could tell through your reckless ways and through the chaos in my eyes how destructive we were for each other.

But despite public opinion, for once in my 20 years-
during our eight months shared together, I had never
been more sure of anything.

All I knew was that you were it.- that I wanted you.
That there was no one I would rather touch lips with- no one I’d rather share all my deepest thoughts and heart-wrenching secrets with. I wanted you to have the world. I would have endured anything and everything and would have forgiven you in the blink of an eye for everything- and I did.

My darling, you changed me. You made me learn things I would have never learned through anyone else- merely because we had our own unique experience- a unique love to offer one another.

I learned most because you brought me pain- in the most beautiful sense of the term. Through your actions, I learned that naitivy and vulnerability were traits to be ashamed of.
I learned how the world and its inhabitants really work. When you introduced me to your world, the first lesson you taught me was that secrets were ok- that they were the only way to succeed. I learned that no one is as nice or as sincere as they may seem and that life is merely a game and i was playing it wrong while you seemed to have it all figured out.

You taught me never to dream in color and that things were only ever really in black and white. But mostly you taught me that loving someone this much was wrong.

-Anais Aiache

"Baby, one day you’ll understand that no one is ever as they seem." His gaze into my abiding brown eyes fucked me up forever as I heard these words come out of his mesmerizing lips. "The world is made up on sickos- manipulative bastards- authenticity is fiction."

- From ‘Lessons learned from my first love’ by Anais Aiache

I. For the softness in his eyes each time he’d look at something he was passionate about.

II. For the warmth in his touch for me at the beginning of it all.

III. For the passion he felt for his art.

IV. For the words he’d so recklessly choose- oh how his mouth spoke planets quicker than his train of thought.

V. For how fast he could get grumpy at the sight of anything he didn’t like no matter how magical.

VI. For how lost he really was but was too oblivious to see it.

VII. For how mean and unsetteling his words and actions and gaze could be.

I loved him because he could never love me- because I knew that I could never only be his

I dare you to tell me you don’t enjoy the feeling of your heart being dropped from the sky- because I could prove to you with audacious words how good it feels to love and to hate and to be loved and resented both at once.

Reasons As to Why I love(d) you

My life has been this never-ending journey of finding myself. Each time I am lost and on the brink of finding myself and being perfectly content with myself and everything around me- I sink and feel lost once again. When I am good, sweet jesus the world is like one big ecstasy pill without the stupid side effects. But when I’m lost, it is ground zero in my heart and mind and I forget my own name.


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